Last night I had a dream about my brother, Michael. I was talking to him in a building of some sorts, kind of like the Hospice, and I was sad because I didn't want him to go. He said to me that he needed to go, it was his time. He had a look of sadness on his face, because he knew I was sad he was leaving. I tried to get him to stay, but he kept saying he had to go it was time for him to go. In the dream Michael looked like he did when he was healthy. It gave me some comfort but at the same time I wish he didn't have to go away.
Above is a picture of the elephant I bought Michael after he was first diagnosed. As I mentioned in my blog two entries ago, I talked about the skunk. Well here is a picture of the skunk hugging the elephant up by Georgetown lake.
Michael's wake and funeral were on June 26, 2008 for the Wake, and June27, 2008 for the Funeral. This past week has been very difficult for me and my family. Last Friday, June 20, 2008 is when Michael really started to decline. My heart is so broken right now...I don't know how to put into words how I really feel. Michael was so young...he shouldn't have died.
Michael's beautiful Mandala art was displayed for everyone to see. We didn't know he was doing this art until he was placed in the Hospice. It gave him great comfort in the end. Art has a way of doing that...it has always been therapeutic for me.
This picture is from the Wake. During the funeral, I read a book called Where Do Balloons Go?An Uplifting Mystery by Jaime Lee Curtis. The best way I can describe this book is it's a whimsical way to look at death. It never mentions death, but you know that's the hidden meaning. The book ends with these words: Where do balloons go? It's a mystery, I know. So hold on tight til you have to let go.
An interesting tidbit...this past Monday, June 23, 2008 the day Michael died...I mentioned to my family about reading this book at Michael's funeral, later that evening we went to dinner and as we were pulled up to a light a small, white balloon was rolling along the street towards our car, it rolled in front of us turned a corner and rolled up the cross street up a hill. Despite what you might think, to me that was a sign from Michael that everything is okay. He's still with us in spirit.
A mother's sorrow
A brother-in-law and a brother's pain.
A nephew's sadness.
I feel so sad for Cedric that he will only get to know his Uncle Michael through pictures and videos...I don't know how much he will remember Michael, because he is so young.
One last family picture with just a hint of Michael in the picture. I usually smile when someone takes a picture of me, but I couldn't find a reason to smile.
We closed the coffin together as a family. We all said our final goodbyes, and all I could do was weep as we closed the lid.
Goodbye Michael...we will always love you!
Michael
By Michele Blanco
Friday, June 27, 2008
It was not so long ago that the bad news came…
I never wanted to see this day,
I never wanted you to go away.
I’ve been struggling for so many months…
So many things I wish I’ve done and said.
Now you forever have gone to bed.
There was never enough time,
You were taken from us still in your prime.
And now my heart is breaking and I can’t stop the tears.
I wish I said I loved you more all throughout our years.
Seeing your body once again,
Lying so quiet and so serene.
Just a shell of a person who once was,
Now I can only see you in my dreams.
So young and so innocent you seemed on that faithful Sunday,
I just wanted to hug you and take your pain away.
I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.
Early Monday morning, you made the choice to finally close the door.
And now you are watching over me from above,
Soaring like a dove.
Goodbye, Michael…
Until we meet again,
You’ll forever be my brother, forever be my friend.
Michael with my brothers Andy and Kevin and my dad at my wedding.
This picture is from a week ago, Father's Day. My brother had been progressively getting worse over the last couple of weeks. He was still coherent and talking at this point but on Friday, June 20th Michael was put on 72 hour watch. He was in a lot of pain when my mom and I showed up to see Michael Friday morning. His head was really bothering him, and he was all sweaty and clammy because of it. Cedric and I stayed for awhile, but it's hard when you have an active toddler.
John, Cedric, and I came back the next day, Saturday, to visit. My parents were there. The nurses at the Hospice had given Michael a diuretic to help with the swelling on his brain and all the fluid retention he was having. It made him very uncomfortable, and he wouldn't eat. He eventually went to sleep...although he was still restless.
Sunday...John, Cedric, and I arrived around 1:30pm. We couldn't go in, because they were working on him. John and I wandered about the halls, and we saw my parents. They had just come back from eating lunch. They filled us in on Michael's condition. He was having trouble going to the bathroom, and he was in a lot of pain. We waited to see him...Andy showed up about an hour later. We watched the Rockies/Mets game in the lobby while we waited. We finally got to see Michael around 4:00pm. He had really taken a turn for the worse. They had him laying on his matress on the floor of his room. He was suffering and very incoherent. They had a cathater in him, and he kept wanting to take it out. They kept giving him pain medication and medication to help relax him. It would always work for a little while then he would get agitated again. So they would give him more....this process went on for hours. He was suffering and he kept having sleep apnea...I just want the pain to stop for him.
John, Cedric, and I stayed for as long as we could...we eventually left around 8:30pm. In the room, Cedric kept pointing at something and he was looking up. I think he saw an angel or a past family member who was coming to help Michael journey to the other side. I kissed my brother goodbye and told him I loved him. Cedric waved goodbye to his Uncle Michael...it was so cute and sad at the same time. All my brothers were there....we had some trouble getting a hold of Chris, but he eventually was contacted and he came. (I have to mention when we were all in the room surrounding Michael there was an energy that is just indescribable...I guess you can say it was an outpouring of love.)
As we were leaving, my brothers were outside. They each took turns holding Cedric. When Kevin had a hold of Cedric, Cedric kept pointing up and saying up as he did it. Cedric knew...it's amazing how babies just know. We didn't want to leave, but Cedric needed to sleep and he wouldn't fall asleep where we were at...too much was going on.
Monday morning, June 23, 2008 at 12:45am, Michael stopped suffering and he is now at peace. Andy called me around 12:50am to tell me that Michael had passed. I feel bad that I wasn't there...John and I both wanted to be. We just didn't want him to suffer anymore. My parents, Andy, and Kevin were there so at least he wasn't alone. Andy went outside and told me how when people die you see an animal, and he saw a skunk. He saw the skunk while he was talking to me. I can't help but think that was a nod to me, because that was John and I's connection at the beginning of our relationship. He use to tease me that he could see skunks through his back window at the Windsor...I was jealous cause I wanted to see cute, wild animals, too. Our first bike trip downtown, we found a stuffed animal skunk at the Tattered Cover and John bought him for me. We named him Manhattan. John also has a necklace I bought him with a skunk on it. I also found out from the nurses that Michael would talked to them at night at the nurses station. He talked a lot about me and how much he liked me. It makes me feel good that he could still remember us even at the end. I only wish I could of had these conversions with him while he was still alive.
It hurts so much to see someone you love leave this world at such a young age. He was only 38, and I can't believe he's gone. I feel like a part of me has died along with him. I'm glad I got to spend a lot of time with him over the last year...I only wish I had more time. Despite our differences over the years, he was one of my brothers I felt closer to...we shared a common bond of attending the same junior high and high school, but we were also only 2 and a half years apart. Right now the pain is too real to feel anything but numbness. I have to help bury my brother this week...I don't know how you get past this moment. I guess time will eventually heal. Goodbye Michael...Please know that I have always loved you and my heart is breaking because you are no longer in this world. I will forever miss you...I wish Cedric could have had the time to get to know you, but your memory will have to live on in videos and pictures. Godspeed....sweet dreams. :(
I never posted about this past Mother's Day....Cedric and I had fun with John and my parents. We went to Tiny Town in Morrison, Colorado, afterwards we visited Michael in the Hospice he is staying in, and after we left Michael we went on to eat dinner at Red Lobster. It's amazing how much Cedric has grown and changed over the year. Last year's Mother's Day he was just a little guy as you can see below:
I love him so much....I could give him kisses all day, but I don't think he would like that. He is too busy walking and getting into all sorts of mischief as you will see from the videos below. I'm wishing for Mother's Day next year I'll be able to share my kisses with another addition. (Please note that as I write this blog I have no announcements to make.)
Michael is currently in a Hospice in Lakewood and receiving great care. His back is doing better and he is in better spirits with all things considered. Tomorrow, my parents and I will go and visit him for a BBQ they are having at the place. John and I have visited him a couple of times. It is all very hard but I'm trying to have hope.
My brother Michael is dying. I think I'll being saying my final goodbyes to him later on today....and I don't want to. The brain cancer is getting worse! The tumors are growing, and he is showing more signs that his body is struggling to survive. He has had a couple of seizures, and he has injured his back because of them. He was admitted to Littleton Hospital yesterday to the ICU. He has several fractures on his back and a blood clot in his lungs. He is very disoriented, although yesterday when I was there he woke up briefly because he was going to have a MRI....he said hi Michele. That might be the last time I hear my brother speak in recoginition. I don't know! My parents will be speaking with the Brain Surgeon today to hear the outcome of what they can do. I know my brother wants to live but not as a vegetable, so if they can't help him than I'll most likely will be saying goodbye to my brother. It doesn't look good for him and I think his body is tired and ready to let go. (The picture above was taken when Michael was first diagnosed with brain cancer. As months progressed his body swelled up from all the steroids and other medications he was on. Towards the end he didn't look like the same person.)
Cedric went to the doctor for a weight check, and he has gain a couple of ounces from last time, but he is still in the less than 3 percentile. He weighed 16lbs. and 14oz. His height measured 29 and 3/4 inches...last time he was 30 but he must have not been all the way to the top. Babies don't shrink. Cedric is just my little guy....he's healthy and active and eats plenty. It's genetics!
On April 2nd, Cedric had a very eventful day. It started off with him figuring out how to get out of his crib. That one was not very eventful for me seeing that I think my heart stopped when I heard a crash sound and my baby started crying. I'm not sure how he did it...I'm thinking he might have used the bumper for leverage. Needless to say, the bumper has been taken out of the crib.
Next event, Cedric went to the doctor for his one year check-up. I still can't believe it has been a year. He measured 30 inches which puts him in the 50th percentile, and he weighs 16 lbs. 11.8 oz. which puts him in the less than 3 percentile. He's a little guy.
He got his shots, which he wasn't too pleased with and mommy never likes to do. Although, I did say no to the chicken pox's vaccine...too many live viruses in a baby's system at once is too harsh. I'm still reluctant about the MMR vaccine, but I allowed him to get it. It's so hard to make the right decisions as a parent, especially when there is so much information out there that scares you. You don't know if you are putting your child in harms way by giving them the vaccine, or are you putting them in harms way by not getting the vaccine. I wish I knew, and I wish the medical community would find the cause to Autism so parents can breathe a sigh of relief.
Also Cedric did something very exciting today...he took his first step. I was talking on the phone to John when Cedric let go of the safety gate and took one step before falling down. I haven't seen him take a step yet, but he is getting better and better at standing for a length of time.All of this occurred while John was on his business trip...I love John's new job, but I absolutely hate that he has to go on business trips.I want him here with Cedric and I...I'm sure he would agree.
Cedric had his second first birthday party in Colorado on Saturday, March 29, 2008. We had a BBQ at my parent's house to celebrate his big day.
Here is a picture of Cedric's happy parents...they're little baby has officially grown into a toddler.
We got Cedric a Winnie the Pooh cake from Cold Stone Creamery. It was a chocolate cake with banana ice cream with bananas in it on one level and a sweet cream ice cream with coconut on the second level...topped off with white icing.
"Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Dear Cedric, Happy Birthday to YOU!!!"
Make a wish my sweet boy.
Cedric got a taste of some icing on his fingers...yummy, sugar.
Cedric got his own cake. I made him a banana yogurt cake with applesauce as the substitute for sugar. I'm trying to start him off with a healthy lifestyle. I tasted it, and it tasted fine.
Cedric had lots of guests to wish him a Happy Birthday....Here is his Uncle Andy and Grandma.
Cedric after he made a huge mess of his cake.
Time to open the presents.
Daddy helped Cedric open his gifts while his Uncle Michael, Uncle Kevin, and Cousin James looked on.
Some more spectators: Uncle Chris, Aunt Shannon, and Cousin James.
Cedric got this cool airplane rocker from his Grandma and Grandpa.
Cedric with his friends: James, Jade, Jasmine, and Isabel.
Isabel and Cedric playing with his new toys. Look below: Ahhh, look how much Cedric and Isabel have changed in 7 months.
Cedric and Isabel at her first birthday party in August.
Last night I had a dream about my brother, Michael. I was talking to him in a building of some sorts, kind of like the Hospice, and I was sad because I didn't want him to go. He said to me that he needed to go, it was his time. He had a look of sadness on his face, because he knew I was sad he was leaving. I tried to get him to stay, but he kept saying he had to go it was time for him to go. In the dream Michael looked like he did when he was healthy. It gave me some comfort but at the same time I wish he didn't have to go away. 
